As a Gay Wiccan, I sometimes throw a double whammy for those less tolerant of our ways. I have also noticed many Wiccan listings from men that specifically state "Straight Male", as if everybody assumes that if a man in Wiccan, he must be gay. This kind of reminds me of the days when they said that if you had AIDS you were gay and if your were gay, you had AIDS.

I already have my own WebSite, and most that visit it actually comment on the fact that I am not afraid or ashamed to admit to having AIDS myself. Why should I be? In these days of the internet, you can find just about any kind of information about HIV/AIDS, more specifically, the do’s and don’ts of proper protection and how you can and cannot be infected, as well as many support groups and information run by Gay and Lesbian Links all over cyber space. Most of the Email I receive are questions about how I live with the knowledge that I’m going to die. I usually reply with the answer "Everyone passes away, but no one truly dies until they are forgotten". I don’t see AIDS as a death sentence anymore, I see it as a lifestyle in many ways (proper diet, rest, exercise, and attitude).

Just as I see AIDS as a new lifestyle, I also interpret Wicca to be the same as it is in itself, a way of life that drives us on the path that we have found for ourselves. Many times I have fallen from my faith and into states of depression, yes this is quite normal, but it pains me to recall those times. Twice I have actually attempted suicide. The first was just a couple of months after the death of my Lover "Billy". The second, is when I felt that I could no longer bare the pain of neuropathy in my legs and the severe fatigue that kept me from a social life and love. I felt so lonely that I was constantly searching for some way to relive my happier days, not knowing what was to come.

As I was laying in the hospital emergency room awaiting for the doctor to come and stitch up my wrists, I saw her for the first time. Some of my friends, who don’t understand, said that I was just seeing things due to the lack of blood, or that I was having a dream powered by my sub-conscience need to get help. However, I knew better, I swear by it. She stood over me, I was so awestruck by her beauty. She had no form, face, hand, or eyes, yet she was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen, and I knew it was my Mother, the Goddess, Diana. I remember crying because I thought "This time I’ve gone too far, now I’m leaving this world behind, leaving all my loved ones to cry for me".

Not in words, but, I think, emotion, she talked to me. She told me that I had strength within me. I confessed to her for losing faith, I told her "I’m sorry, I have nothing left". "But you do" she replied, "have faith in the knowledge that your strength is within you, and it will surface". I felt her touch my forehead, possibly a kiss, I don’t know, but the emotions left behind were so strong, that the doctors didn’t even admit me into the psychiatric unit. I knew that I would not be a threat to my well being any longer.

I found that strength she told me of, it was within me. I began to heal, not just physically, but spiritually. I called this my "Rebirth". I changed so much from my previous faith. I had new understanding of everything around me, as well as myself. I became a vegetarian, understanding that all creatures had a soul. I got rid of pain in my legs and took myself off of the Morphine the doctors had prescribed, I no longer needed it. I stood in front of my mirror naked one day and spoke, out loud, to the virus in my body. I told it "you are not welcome, I do not have a choice if your in me or not now, but I do have the choice of whether or not your going to kill me, and you will not take me like my lover and my friends". That was the strength of my will and my soul that Goddess told me of. I found it, I used, and by the Goddess, I healed myself from the daily agony of AIDS.

I focus myself daily on my life, and the Goddess whom gave it to me. Without depression, people noticed a change in me, telling me that my soul was beautiful and that I had looked better than I had in years. I attracted one individual who is now my Lover, we are so happy together and plan to have a wedding ceremony as soon as we both get out of financial debt. Gary is so wonderful to me. He’s not Wiccan, he’s Ekenkar, so he understands the power of the soul. Even though he is also HIV positive, and not afraid of sex, we still haven’t gone that far. We both appreciate life outside of gay sex, you might say we "make love with our souls". When you really love somebody, and you lay your head on their chest at night, the sound of their beating heart is, to me, the most beautiful music in the universe.

To all my Brothers and Sisters, I say this to you. We all have that strength, we are a part of an endless universe and therefore are endless ourselves, forget the physical world for a moment and concentrate on the inner body that is our souls. Souls have no one gender, it doesn’t matter if your Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, Straight, or Transgendered. Don’t let anybody dictate to you otherwise, you are beautiful and blessed by the Goddess.

Brightest Blessings

DarHalen